Or, like in the song, the hardest part of love is lettin' go.
Now there are many kind of lettin' goes. A divorce can be one, or loosing a friend, a dear animal, a colleague, all are things that we do not realy want to loose.
I did loose two very dears. Not that I wanted to loose them. They decided to step aside. I was furious, when I did see that, it was so out of the blue, I never had expected SUCH and still, when I think back to it, I feel the unspoken suspects that their decision (they took it together) was not fully their own decision, but given by some others.
Just saying, I don't go into details further about the reasons, because they are only my side of the story. It is very sad that I am not able to hear their side of the story. Having said that, it made clear, I think, that >I still have difficulties with it.
It is especially the unspoken part. When people dump me (or I them); it is only fair to give a reason for it, be honest. Not only to the 'victim' but for yourself as well. If you never were able to say exactly what your problem was, then it will follow you, until the moment that it is sorted out, spiken out. Not the first time, that I read or hear that such reveals wait until the last moment, or that people, feel sorry that they did not explain it at the moment that they still could.
That's one of the reasons that I never shall close the door. That is one of the reasons that I hope that they will return and at least tell me the real background from their decision.
I now know that I have acceted it. It is their life, and if they are happy with it, then it is fine. I should love to check that, but I do not look into their private lives. I can, I have the possibilities, but whey should I? They don't want me in it, so why should I go to look and hurt myself more?
I let the door open.
This week I talked about it, briefly, for the first time (well, not true, the 2nd time, but now with someone who did not kow it -yet-) and I did notice that I was calm with it. I was open for what she had to say about it, and it made me not sad or so. I feel only the need to write, and no one but they will understand where this is about ;-)
It is typical, that I did talk about this with the person that did 'let me go' a while ago. I never did accept that 'tlettin go', and now, all t am so happy I did fight back to har. We have gone through so many things and that is why she, like no other, can understand and relativate, and give her, subjective opinion on things like this.
Apart from that, another patch in our friendship, the great thing was that I now realy know that 'the matter' has found a place in my mind. It rests there. Again, I did not close a door, they are always welcome, day and night, no matter how deep they have hurt me, I did forgive it. And I can not forget it, and I won't forget it, all my life long. The only hope I have is that, one day, I am able to talk with at least one of them. But since that is not in my hands, my hope is sitting in a corner. It is not over ruling my life. It is a small candle, what always burns and it waits for .. them.. to enlighten it. Maybe, one day, they will understand it, and maybe I am able then still to listen.
I do truly hope that their fight leads to the same enlightment and peace, that is in me now, now I did let go :)
